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December 16, 2010 at 5:27 PM

Fast times… From the start of middle school into early high school i had 2 best friends and we were trouble, skipping,fights,drugs the typical inner city life. As time went on they dropped out of school and i went on to college so we grew a part. I still see one maybe once every 1-2 years. It’s hard not to notice he has become a junky; marks on his arms,super thin, looking like he hasn’t showered in days.Every time he see’s me he doesn’t stop talking as to fill me in on what i miss. Letting me know that are other friend is a junkie and all messed up. “We should all hang out again 1 day”  he says but i shrug it off. At times i feel like i left my friends behind maybe i could of stop them from this. I did confront him several years prior about smoking dope and he denied it, i believed him. But that changed one day, i got a call, it was him crying he tells me he keeps hearing voices in his head and their telling him to do bad things. I was flustered, i told him he should get help and stop doing what it is he was doing.Years went by i didn’t see him or hear from him. Till one day i saw him and gave him a ride, we didn’t talk much but he sounded and looked better since the phone call. Time passed again and a few months ago i ran into him, he came up to me with a big smile but once i ask him how he was doing his eyes watered and he told me “I’m not doing good” as he said that i noticed how bad he looked. The subject change as he began to tell me he had a scheme to come up on some money but that was never my style. I haven’t seen him since and i hate to think how his fate will end up.I think back now to our middle school days when the teachers would get mad at us and say you guys are losers your gonna be in jail or junkies one day. How i wish now i would of had the courage to do more for my friends instead of just tagging along.

Fast times…

From the start of middle school into early high school i had 2 best friends and we were trouble, skipping,fights,drugs the typical inner city life. As time went on they dropped out of school and i went on to college so we grew a part. I still see one maybe once every 1-2 years. It’s hard not to notice he has become a junky; marks on his arms,super thin, looking like he hasn’t showered in days.Every time he see’s me he doesn’t stop talking as to fill me in on what i miss. Letting me know that are other friend is a junkie and all messed up. “We should all hang out again 1 day”  he says but i shrug it off. At times i feel like i left my friends behind maybe i could of stop them from this. I did confront him several years prior about smoking dope and he denied it, i believed him. But that changed one day, i got a call, it was him crying he tells me he keeps hearing voices in his head and their telling him to do bad things. I was flustered, i told him he should get help and stop doing what it is he was doing.Years went by i didn’t see him or hear from him. Till one day i saw him and gave him a ride, we didn’t talk much but he sounded and looked better since the phone call. Time passed again and a few months ago i ran into him, he came up to me with a big smile but once i ask him how he was doing his eyes watered and he told me “I’m not doing good” as he said that i noticed how bad he looked. The subject change as he began to tell me he had a scheme to come up on some money but that was never my style. I haven’t seen him since and i hate to think how his fate will end up.I think back now to our middle school days when the teachers would get mad at us and say you guys are losers your gonna be in jail or junkies one day. How i wish now i would of had the courage to do more for my friends instead of just tagging along.

   

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December 16, 2010 at 3:16 PM

Future,present and past. So a couple months into this funk i actually feel positive about the future again. I can’t help but think about the few people i have pushed away the last few months. I’m sure some relationship will never be the same but i can’t just run up to people and say “hey I’m depressed letting out my frustrations or feelings i kept inside for a long time actually makes me feel better.” Is making them think I’m asshole better ? for my pride maybe it is.Its been a slow grind down, it slowly began to come out a few weeks after i lost my job, began to lose control when i messed up things between a lady friend and i, and totally took over when i lash out at a couple of friends.I’ve lost some weight, not that i notice but it’s what a few people tell me. Some days I’m just not hungry and haven’t been to the gym in months. No one notices anything different in me if they do they’re not saying.The small talk i do have with some close friends i keep it short or keep it about them i worry that they might see right thru me. Just cause you know whats wrong with you doesn’t mean its easy to say. I’m hoping to beat this soon and get back to my future.I just hope i haven’t completely annoy everyone by then.

Future,present and past.

So a couple months into this funk i actually feel positive about the future again. I can’t help but think about the few people i have pushed away the last few months. I’m sure some relationship will never be the same but i can’t just run up to people and say “hey I’m depressed letting out my frustrations or feelings i kept inside for a long time actually makes me feel better.” Is making them think I’m asshole better ? for my pride maybe it is.Its been a slow grind down, it slowly began to come out a few weeks after i lost my job, began to lose control when i messed up things between a lady friend and i, and totally took over when i lash out at a couple of friends.I’ve lost some weight, not that i notice but it’s what a few people tell me. Some days I’m just not hungry and haven’t been to the gym in months. No one notices anything different in me if they do they’re not saying.The small talk i do have with some close friends i keep it short or keep it about them i worry that they might see right thru me. Just cause you know whats wrong with you doesn’t mean its easy to say. I’m hoping to beat this soon and get back to my future.I just hope i haven’t completely annoy everyone by then.

   

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December 15, 2010 at 9:56 PM

How honest stupidity can mess up a sex life… I was once dating a girl, will call her Exhibit A.Things were very hot ,passionate and headed in the right direction. After a spending the day with her i went to the club at night for a party. I run into a girl i mess with a few times but nothing major, call her Exhibit B. Exhibit B tells me she heard about me dating Exhibit A, is friends with her and is very jealous, I’m shocked because Exhibit B wasn’t around for a while. She walks me in to v.i.p were we begin to dance and she all over me. I’m drunk so i give in, this goes on for 20-30mins. My phone rings it’s my homie i gotta go! As I’m driving home Exhibit B is texting me to come over she wants to finish. I agree but then begin to feel guilty so i call and let her know i really like Exhibit A and this wouldn’t be good. I then drive to Exhibit A’s house where i tell her what happen but leave out that she knew the girl so not to throw Exhibit B under the bus.I told her i felt i had to tell her this because i liked her and wanted a future with her and this wouldn’t be a way to start.Exhibit A shrugged it off and we spend a hot night together and in the morning I left there not knowing it would be the last time i get to be alone with her.I found out a few days later Exhibit A didn’t believe me and looks at me different. Over the next few weeks all my attempts to fix things make it worst.Exhibit B respected my decision but that door was closed for good..Fast forward to now.. Exhibit A and B are both in their own exclusive relationship and I’m on here….Sometimes it pays to be a greedy liar.

How honest stupidity can mess up a sex life…

I was once dating a girl, will call her Exhibit A.Things were very hot ,passionate and headed in the right direction. After a spending the day with her i went to the club at night for a party. I run into a girl i mess with a few times but nothing major, call her Exhibit B. Exhibit B tells me she heard about me dating Exhibit A, is friends with her and is very jealous, I’m shocked because Exhibit B wasn’t around for a while. She walks me in to v.i.p were we begin to dance and she all over me. I’m drunk so i give in, this goes on for 20-30mins. My phone rings it’s my homie i gotta go! As I’m driving home Exhibit B is texting me to come over she wants to finish. I agree but then begin to feel guilty so i call and let her know i really like Exhibit A and this wouldn’t be good. I then drive to Exhibit A’s house where i tell her what happen but leave out that she knew the girl so not to throw Exhibit B under the bus.I told her i felt i had to tell her this because i liked her and wanted a future with her and this wouldn’t be a way to start.Exhibit A shrugged it off and we spend a hot night together and in the morning I left there not knowing it would be the last time i get to be alone with her.I found out a few days later Exhibit A didn’t believe me and looks at me different. Over the next few weeks all my attempts to fix things make it worst.Exhibit B respected my decision but that door was closed for good..Fast forward to now.. Exhibit A and B are both in their own exclusive relationship and I’m on here….Sometimes it pays to be a greedy liar.

   

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December 15, 2010 at 4:22 PM

Conversations with an angel…. She tells me school’s rough for her, i can see in here eyes she fighting some of the same demons i fought at her age.”My dreams are slipping away, i want to do more in life” she says..did i have this thought process at 13? i think to myself. Her battles with self esteem and who she is seem to rattle in her mind a lot.In many ways i can relate i was also the short pale one in school growing up.In many ways i can’t, I don’t know what it is to grow up without your real parents there every day, what it is to wonder how come my mother never comes to see me.I was an ugly duckling, she’s a beautiful angel, i would of killed to have her features; blond hair  blue eyes but at 13 I’m sure its more of a burden then advantage. She says “my friends keep pressuring me to get a boyfriend but I’m not ready,” which blows my mind because again i wonder did i think like this? Very much aware for her age I wonder how a 13 year old can be so charming and humble. I call her an angel for many reasons but the one that sticks out is it seems every time i feel i reach the brink of frustration, every time i think maybe if i got up and left and never came back it’d be better for me, every time i think I’m not needed on this planet I’m just taking up space…I have a conversation with an angel..

Conversations with an angel….

She tells me school’s rough for her, i can see in here eyes she fighting some of the same demons i fought at her age.”My dreams are slipping away, i want to do more in life” she says..did i have this thought process at 13? i think to myself. Her battles with self esteem and who she is seem to rattle in her mind a lot.In many ways i can relate i was also the short pale one in school growing up.In many ways i can’t, I don’t know what it is to grow up without your real parents there every day, what it is to wonder how come my mother never comes to see me.I was an ugly duckling, she’s a beautiful angel, i would of killed to have her features; blond hair  blue eyes but at 13 I’m sure its more of a burden then advantage. She says “my friends keep pressuring me to get a boyfriend but I’m not ready,” which blows my mind because again i wonder did i think like this? Very much aware for her age I wonder how a 13 year old can be so charming and humble. I call her an angel for many reasons but the one that sticks out is it seems every time i feel i reach the brink of frustration, every time i think maybe if i got up and left and never came back it’d be better for me, every time i think I’m not needed on this planet I’m just taking up space…I have a conversation with an angel..

   

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December 15, 2010 at 2:22 PM

6 months ago - I was working hard on the verge of promotion,had a date every weekend and during the week was to busy to be home, there always was an event to go to. My phone always had a miss call or text message waiting for me.Female friends said i didn’t have time for them, my boys were like damn where you at? I thought to myself this was just the beginning, had my boss loving me and the girl i wanted asking me out wow this is life! 6months later - Most of my conversations are with a 13 year old and a 56 year old women(family).My phone never rings and no texts, the girl i wanted is long gone so is my job.My female friends have gotten tired of hearing me bitch about the girl i let slip thru my hands or maybe that i don’t turn my attention to liking them. Lately, I spend many days in the corner of my bed hoping to sleep as long as i can but i always end up waking up. With my first thoughts being why this? why now? in 6months I’ve become so weak ,so un-opinionated, so lost. Less then half the man i use to be.To scare to look in the mirror to see what i have become. Yet no one notices or cares. I’m sure i have some part in my demise but 6months ago i never saw this coming.

6 months ago -

I was working hard on the verge of promotion,had a date every weekend and during the week was to busy to be home, there always was an event to go to. My phone always had a miss call or text message waiting for me.Female friends said i didn’t have time for them, my boys were like damn where you at? I thought to myself this was just the beginning, had my boss loving me and the girl i wanted asking me out wow this is life!

6months later -

Most of my conversations are with a 13 year old and a 56 year old women(family).My phone never rings and no texts, the girl i wanted is long gone so is my job.My female friends have gotten tired of hearing me bitch about the girl i let slip thru my hands or maybe that i don’t turn my attention to liking them. Lately, I spend many days in the corner of my bed hoping to sleep as long as i can but i always end up waking up. With my first thoughts being why this? why now? in 6months I’ve become so weak ,so un-opinionated, so lost. Less then half the man i use to be.To scare to look in the mirror to see what i have become. Yet no one notices or cares. I’m sure i have some part in my demise but 6months ago i never saw this coming.

   

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December 15, 2010 at 12:13 AM

My graveyard of love…. You enter my life like a flash of light. So wrapped in happiness to notice you wouldn’t stay long, To proud to think you’d be a blur in my life.Now your gone and so quickly I’m reminded this is how the story always ends. I drown in the pasted now because you won’t exist in my future. Always looking out the window to see if you will return but reality has struck me your gone. Different in many ways because with your touch i would ignite and with your eyes you would delight my soul. Crazy for thinking i could convince you to stay.Yet I dream of you every night and awaken to my sadness every morning.

My graveyard of love….

You enter my life like a flash of light. So wrapped in happiness to notice you wouldn’t stay long, To proud to think you’d be a blur in my life.Now your gone and so quickly I’m reminded this is how the story always ends. I drown in the pasted now because you won’t exist in my future. Always looking out the window to see if you will return but reality has struck me your gone. Different in many ways because with your touch i would ignite and with your eyes you would delight my soul. Crazy for thinking i could convince you to stay.Yet I dream of you every night and awaken to my sadness every morning.

   

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December 11, 2010 at 6:33 PM

My pieces continue to become unglued. Failure seems to be the only constant in my life,my dreams aren’t there anymore.My career derailed and love ? Well i know of no such thing as i find every possible way in the book to push good women out my life.I can’t help but wonder is the life i have built for myself? I can’t really blame anyone but myself as for i am the director in this movie.I’ve called all the shots.But I can’t help but notice my thought process is blurred,is it watching my father drinks his life away at a reckless pace and become a shell of the man who raised me. Maybe is it watching my niece reach out for the love of her parents and not getting it and then realizing the love i give her isn’t enough. Or maybe its the look in my moms eyes as she thinks where did i go wrong with this one(me). Whatever it is I’m unglued, coming apart at the hinges and sometimes the pain of failure swallows me whole. I want out (like my father does) as i come to realize i don’t know if i can succeed under these conditions, but taking the easy way out is not an option at this point. I’m stuck here with none functioning parts , I’m stuck here.

My pieces continue to become unglued.

Failure seems to be the only constant in my life,my dreams aren’t there anymore.My career derailed and love ? Well i know of no such thing as i find every possible way in the book to push good women out my life.I can’t help but wonder is the life i have built for myself? I can’t really blame anyone but myself as for i am the director in this movie.I’ve called all the shots.But I can’t help but notice my thought process is blurred,is it watching my father drinks his life away at a reckless pace and become a shell of the man who raised me. Maybe is it watching my niece reach out for the love of her parents and not getting it and then realizing the love i give her isn’t enough. Or maybe its the look in my moms eyes as she thinks where did i go wrong with this one(me). Whatever it is I’m unglued, coming apart at the hinges and sometimes the pain of failure swallows me whole. I want out (like my father does) as i come to realize i don’t know if i can succeed under these conditions, but taking the easy way out is not an option at this point. I’m stuck here with none functioning parts , I’m stuck here.